Odi et Amo
by DaenerysTargary3n
Summary: After a disastrous turn of events occurs in Tashbaan, Susan returns to Narnia and Peter but can he help her through her distorted emotions and feelings? Will Aslan be able to help them both through the toughest ordeal of their lives? Strong language, adult content and sexual scenes. You have been warned!
1. A Turn for the Worse

**Author's Note**

This story's title is based on a line from one of the poems of the ancient Roman poet, Catullus. It means _I love yet I hate_. The words are meaningful and although this is a Narnia fanfiction, it's a very personal piece of writing. Just a short disclaimer: none of the characters are mine, nor any plot elements from the books or films, nor any quotes from them either.  
I really hope you enjoy this, though it will be a case of if you don't like it, then just walk on by...but do review and leave criticism, I'm open to both positive or negative AS LONG AS IT'S CONSTRUCTIVE!

**Chapter I : A Turn for the Worse**

Susan still had not returned from dinner with Rabadash. Edmund looked at the time as it passed and felt uneasy. Prince Cor was sitting with Tumnus discussing battle tactics from the Defeat of the White Witch. There was an ill feeling about on that day in Tashbaan.

The Gentle Queen had spent the day with her paramour visiting the famous sites of the city in all their heady beauty. Rabadash never strayed from her side, not once did he remove himself from her delicate, white person. The proximity of the two on previous occasions had made her younger brother instruct her to be alone with the Prince, without a chaperone. He would realise that he never should have permit his pretty sister to be without his comforting presence with the deceitful rogue.

Much time had passed since the time when Susan ought to have returned or sent word as to her delay, so Edmund left the uncomfortable cage of their rooms and went in search of his sister. When he eventually found her, under a soiled, ripped fragment of ancient carpet, he knew the world for the Pevensie four had just become a more dangerous and evil place.

"Susan!" He shouted, over and over, trying to revive the beaten woman lying beneath him whilst being aware of her wounds and bruises and being cautious of her.

He bent down to her bare bosom and listened with such willing ears for the sound of her breath and the rise and fall of her chest. It came and the king breathed a laboured sigh of relief that his sister at least lived.

The broken queen whispered, "Ed..."

"Hush, Su, it'll be all right now, I'm here," though he spoke the words, the youthful king had no idea how he would fulfil them, "I'll take you home."

Susan had not heard his last promise, she had already sunk back into unconsciousness. Edmund lifted his precious sister away from the dirt and grime in which she had been abandoned and gently bore her back to their rooms to be tended and nursed by her own.

The queen had woken intermittently over some days, but had not yet gained the strength to utter more than a few sounds. Tumnus had informed his liege lord that several of her ribs were broken, she had acute concussion and that her entire body had been battered.

The faun had to tell the king of another piece of news, grave news, but for once the words eluded him, "My king," he looked down uneasily, "the queen, your sister, has also endured another injury, which is more serious than the others..."

Edmund saw the faun shake under the immense pressure of relaying his news and encouraged him, "Yes, Tumnus?"

"Forgive me, sire, there is no easy way to inform you that your sister has been assaulted," he breathed a sigh of relief, but waited for the fury he knew was to come.

"Yes, I know, Tumnus. That much is obvious." The naive king replied.

"No, your majesty, I'm sorry that you do not understand...Queen Susan has," the faun uttered a great sob, "been raped.


	2. Wishes

**Author's Note**

Please do review this story; I am genuinely interested in your feedback. I think this is going to be a really interesting piece of work and I am certain others feel the same but even if you don't, leave a review for me! Enjoy this chapter.

**Chapter II : Wishes**

When Edmund went back in to see his broken sister after learning what she had suffered, he stood for a time just looking at her still, silent body lying in the bed with a eyes open, but wholly vacant. The young, naïve king had not the faintest idea on how to be around his sister when she was so despondent and meek, instead of the bubbly, feisty woman she was normally. Edmund's only thought was of his older brother, who would have known what to do, had he not been fighting a war in the northern province of Narnia. _What would Peter do?_ _Act!_

Edmund slowly approached the bed and perched on the edge, "Susan?"

The Queen could have been dead but for the slow, steady rise and fall of her chest. Her eyes were glazed and distracted, as if she had painstakingly bricked her eyes and mind off from the cruel reality of the world, which she had been so violently crucified by.

Edmund placed his hand gently over both of hers and squeezed, "Susan, what do you want me to do? Help me out here. I'm trying to find a way to get us out of here and back home. The problem is…" Edmund heaved a sigh, "Rabadash has us trapped."

Upon hearing the name of her violator, Susan's eyes became alert and afraid. Edmund watched as she mustered the strength to speak, but she found the word, "Trapped?"

Edmund explained how the Calormens had made it clear that until Susan consented to be Rabadash's wife, the Narnian delegation would not be free to return home. After Edmund had reassured Susan that in no world would she be forced to stay here with _that monster_ he told her that until they could conjure up a plan to escape, their only option was to sit tight.

Susan's only desire was to be in the comfort of her rooms at Cair Paravel far away from this awful place. Once Edmund left her in solitude again, she thought to herself how differently she thought of everything now. Edmund was her brother and though they'd never been that close, she'd always cared for him as a kind of mothering sister, but now he was a man who was part of what had beat her and used her in the worst possible way. She had had to process her instinctive feelings towards him in the time as she was being carried here, but she had realised there was no need to feel fearful of her brother, for he would protect her to the ends of the earth and now that she truly needed him, as her only family in this god-forsaken city, he would not fail her.

Her thoughts then turned to the others in her family and what would happen when she returned to them and they realised what had befell her in Tashbaan. Lucy, always the sweetest and dearest of the Pevensies, would be concerned and attentive as a sister should be but there would be no possibility of her comprehending in the slightest the true meaning and importance of what had happened to her. Peter, on the other hand, was the High King and her older brother and the sibling with whom she had always had the strongest bond. They were the core of their family; they were the protectors of their younger brother and sister and two halves of a whole. Susan was smart, wise and gentle, whereas Peter was impulsive, strong and stern. They were the perfect rulers together.

Susan knew that she would never be the same as she was before. The fire and courage she used to feel she had, now had been stolen from her. Only Aslan knew how she would be able to go back to her old self, but Susan wasn't sure she ever wanted to be as she was, if it meant that this kind of thing happened to her.

_Two days later…_

Edmund was going to lose his mind if he had to remain here dealing with Susan on his own for a single day more, "Tumnus! We have to go, I don't care how perilous the task is, it has to be done! Susan needs to be at home with _all_ of her family, not just stuck here in this city with Rabadash only a stone's throw away. She's retreating from people every hour that passes and I don't know what to do," Edmund put his head in his hands, as the pressure mounted above him sure to plummet and drown him entirely, "so have you got _any_ ideas?"

"Well, sire, I think we should throw a banquet for Prince Rabadash."

Edmund slowly raised his head to stare at the faun, "Tumnus, if this is a joke, I highly recommend that you apologise and reassess…" Edmund made a sarcastically flamboyant gesture, "shall we say the general mood of the room."

Tumnus only smiled and trotted over to his king, "No, my lord, you mistake me, for I am going to go and purchase provisions and luxuries for the feast to celebrate the union of our Queen to their repulsive Prince," Edmund was about to interrupt Mr. Tumnus in a fit of raging anger, but he was batted down, "on board the Splendour Hyaline."

Understanding crept into the King's expression as he fully grasped what plan the faun had devised. "Mr. Tumnus, you are a bona fide genius!" Edmund frowned, "We must be sure though, not to tell Queen Susan of this, for it would distress her, just to take her with us and get her aboard the ship."

"I am in total agreement! Let us to work, then sire. I shall prepare His Highness of Archenland for the journey tomorrow." With that, Mr .Tumnus headed into another part of the vast house where they had been staying. The building was full of luxurious and extravagant colours, but Edmund found the entire décor painful and he also longed for home and familiar surroundings...and a very long lie down.

The plan had been put into play and when Edmund had received the reply from the Calormen prince, he had been sorely tempted to storm the Tisroc's palace, find the despicable monster and run him through.

_My friend, King Edmund,_

_It would please me greatly to accept your magnanimous invitation to dine aboard your splendid vessel. I am full of anticipation for your sister's answer to my suit, which no doubt has excited her greatly. I suspect this is the reason for such a festive occasion, thus I will be sure to bring Her Majesty a small trinket for the occasion, so she will think kindly of me._

_I look forward to the day with great enthusiasm,_

_His Highness, Prince Rabadash, son of the Mighty Tisroc (May He Live Forever)_

The Prince's cocksure, inconsiderate reply to his false invitation had aggravated the Narnian king's growing hatred of the Calormen people even more. There was an unsaid custom among the peasants and lower classes of Calormen to take first and marry later, which Edmund had been fully aware of when coming here, but it was unheard of among Tarkhaans and especially the family of the Tisroc. Rabadash's stupidity knew no bounds, for Edmund would have sworn on Aslan's mane that he would feel the sting of the consequences of his actions if it killed every soul in Narnia.

He had visited Susan in her chambers earlier that day to tell her of the plan to leave, but he had informed her only of the basics. She knew that they were going to buy some items in the bazaar and take them onto the Splendour Hyaline and then set sail under the cover of darkness for Narnia and the North.

They had visited the bazaar to buy sweets, wine, sherbet and extravagant meats to maintain the façade of a grand party, but all the while, Susan remained close to her brother, engrossed in her own thoughts and wary of everyone around them. She ignored all attempts that the local vendors made to talk to her and almost cowered behind Edmund right until she had locked herself into the royal bedchambers on the Splendour Hyaline, and then she curled up and silently wept and dreamt of home.


	3. Homecoming

**Chapter III : Homecoming**

Susan had been silent and distant for the whole week since they had put out to sea, the only time she had altered her countenance was when she heard the call that the port at Cair Paravel had been sighted. The entire crew and Edmund (who initially hurried to stop her from jumping in) were astonished when she suddenly ran to the front of the ship to catch sight of her beloved home and once she did, tears of joy fell onto the deck of the Splendour Hyaline.

Edmund was the first to get off the ship, flanked by Prince Corin, the heir to the throne of Archenland. Once he had hit terra firma, he was besieged by courtiers and bureaucrats all wanting favours or documents signed, but one person grabbed his attention at once.

"Ed! You're back!" The youngest of the Narnian royals exclaimed at the welcome sight of her sibling. She immediately flung her arms around him and embraced him fiercely.

"Oh, Lucy, it's so good to see you," the heaviness of the king's voice lifted as he held his sister tightly to him, "honestly, I can say seeing you is the perfect thing at the moment."

"Why? What's happened, Ed? What's wrong?"

Then, she saw her sister and knew something drastic had befallen Susan and it was not going to go away overnight.

There was no chance for the recently returned king and queen to explain what had occurred in Calormen, for almost as soon as Lucy had spoken, a stag nearly knocked the pair over so urgent was his errand.

He came bearing news that Rabadash was on the march for Anvard and then Narnia, so a Narnian force had to be assembled with utmost haste to ride to the aid of their allies. Edmund had told Lucy she would be accompanying him into battle, which surprised the youngest Pevensie, as Peter had always made it clear that she was not to be involved in fighting ever unless absolutely necessary. Edmund did not want Susan to be anywhere near Rabadash and Peter had been recalled to Cair Paravel, leaving the military campaign against the Giants in the capable hands of Oreius.

Susan had written to the High King asking for his return but had not disclosed any news of her visit to Tashbaan other than she would not be accepting the Prince's proposal of marriage. She had sent the bird with the note soon after reaching her suite and had heard back within a few hours that Peter would be coming home and he wanted to know _everything_ about her stay and he knew something had gone awry.

Susan slept that night, but just as poorly as she had every night since Edmund found her in the grime. She had thought that once she was at home again, she would feel better, but all she had the ability to feel was out of place and not pure enough to be in the company of other Narnians, especially Lucy, who was so naïve and ignorant of the harshness of the world, so she had so far avoided the company of her sister.

While she sat unmoving on her bed waiting for Peter's response, there had been knocks at her door with food and refreshment but she had admitted no one into her rooms, not even Edmund when he came to see her. The food was left on her doorstep and she ate it and replaced it, then it was removed. None of the servants or courtiers there had been told what had happened to so affect Susan as Tumnus and those who had accompanied them to Tashbaan had been warned not to speak of it.

Susan was brought out of her reflection by an authoritative rap on her door, "Susan, please let me in, I need to speak with you urgently. It's time for Lucy and I to go."

Quietly and in a trance, Susan moved to open her door without uttering a word in reply to her brother.

"Susan, we have to go now if we are to be of any use to King Lune," Edmund paused to see if she would respond, but carried on, "I don't want to leave you here on your own like this, but I can't see that I've got any choice."

Just then, a black raven called Gilgar flew in, clutching a scroll of parchment bearing the Lion seal. Immediately, in a flourish of her velvet skirt, Susan rose to retrieve the missive. "Peter's coming home tonight. He'll be here early tomorrow," she looked at her brother, "so you can go without being burdened by me."

"Susan, please don't be like this. I'm trying my best to help you!" The king said as his sister firmly pushed him out of her door and then shut it in his face.

"Nothing _you_ do, Ed, can help me." The bitterness sprang forth from her and it bit hard into Edmund's heart to hear his normally gentle sister be so cruel.

He knew, though, that she did need Peter's strength and advice more than anything and he felt her pain keenly, "Very well, Susan, I'll let you alone," as he turned away from the oak door, he asked, "but would you prefer me to leave a letter for Peter telling him what happened in Tashbaan or do you plan to tell him yourself?"

Susan let forth a sob at the mention of her terrible ordeal but whispered loudly enough for her brother to hear, "I _need_ to tell him myself. Good luck in Archenland, Edmund and tell Lucy to be brave and that I'm sorry."

It wasn't much but the small wish of good fortune relieved Edmund to no end. That brief glimpse of Susan's former lightness had reassured him that although it would no doubt take a long time and a lot of help, in the end Susan would be all right, though probably never exactly like her old self.

"Goodbye." The Gentle Queen murmured forlornly as she observed the red and gold banners and shields going out of the main gate, led by a figure in the brightest silver armour on a chestnut horse. She thought he looked the part, not quite as well as Peter did, but acceptable as the leader of an army. The dainty palomino horse beside Edmund caught the queen's eye as it bore a girl who carried only a dagger for a weapon, but seeing as she was to command the archers it mattered not, unless the battle went ill. Susan almost managed a smile as she noticed Prince Corin messing around with his dwarf attendant.

Once she had watched the Narnian army march out of sight, Susan suddenly felt awash with fatigue and she lay down on her bed. When she opened her eyes, darkness had fallen and her nightmares had told her what she must do so she returned to her desk and opened a draw where the glint of a knife twinkled in her eye. She removed it and examined it closely, but then laid it to rest on her desk and sat down to write a letter to Peter.

_My dearest brother,_

_I am sorry, but the others are gone now and you have not yet returned so I am going to leave Cair Paravel as well now, though, I doubt I will be coming back. Aslan knows, out of the four of us I am the most cowardly and sinful, so it shan't surprise him and it shouldn't you that I find this to be my only option._

_I can't see that things will become any better for me and I won't taint your happiness or that of Lucy and Edmund by staying here and not doing my duty to Narnia or you. Edmund will tell you exactly what happened in Calormen, but I would only ask as a last favour to me that you never speak of it or me again once you know, for I could not bear it if every time you thought of me, you remembered me as I am now, so remember me as I was before Rabadash ever corrupted Narnia with his presence._

_I won't be going to Aslan's Country after this, so I'll never see you again, my brother, but know that I love you and am excessively proud of who you have become. Take care of Lucy and Edmund always._

_With love,_

_Your sister_

Susan cried as she wrote to Peter but she could not leave things unsaid and her affairs in poor order, so she tied the piece of parchment with a black ribbon and took it and the silver knife, which she had taken from one of the trays the kitchen had sent up, back to her bedside and laid the parchment on the table on top of her delicate golden crown. She took the knife and quickly made the cut along the soft, pale skin of her wrist and lay down while her lifeblood pooled on the marble floor.

She could feel herself being pulled, pulled to where she didn't know, but something or _someone_ was shaking her, urging her to come back. Her eyes were sealed shut, waiting for the sweet release death brings, but as the deep voice called her name over and over, she could feel the door to death closing in front of her before she had stepped through.

"SUSAN! SU! Damn it, come back at once! You'll obey, or I swear on Aslan's mane, you'll regret it! SUSAN!" A panicked and angry voice shouted as arms bore down on the woman's body, shaking her into consciousness.

"Wha-"

The blonde man let out a huge sigh of relief and gratitude. _Thank you, Aslan, thank you for getting me here on time… _On the way back, Peter had been waylaid by none other than the Lion himself and he only spoke three words, but the three words made Peter spur his horse on to speeds they had never reached.

Now, Peter understood, or at least understood in part, why Aslan had encouraged him to travel fast and immediately to find his sister on arrival.

"Susan is dying." Those words nearly killed the High King, but he repressed his own shock and grief so that he might prevent the death of one whom he cared for more dearly than himself and save himself the grief should she actually lose her life.

When he reached his home he threw himself down from his steed and dashed inside demanding to be told where Susan was, not stopping to be told.

"She is in her chamber, Your Majesty," Mr. Tumnus said, but before he had a chance to offer some advice to his monarch, the High King was already taking the stairs three at a time.

The sight that was before him would haunt him for many years to come, seeing Susan lying pale and limp across her bed with a blood-stained knife beside her and red liquid spreading out from where she lay, made Peter's heart leap out of his body into the sea. He ran towards her and when he reached her he thanked Aslan that he wasn't too late to save her, but no mistake he had cut it perilously close. He braced her in his arms and tried with all his might to bring her back from where she had tried to go.

"SUSAN!" Peter was beside her, feeling her nearly lifeless beneath him, "what in Aslan's name have you done?!" he exclaimed.

Mr. Tumnus clopped in and fainted forthwith at the sight of his wan and dying queen, but Peter didn't care. Susan had to come back to him, he had to protect her now from herself and that was all that mattered. He couldn't allow her to leave him, or Edmund or Lucy…not like this.

As Peter shook his sister, he knocked something onto the floor which clattered noisily, briefly drawing his attention away from Susan. He saw her beautiful gold coronet on the floor and with it a piece of parchment tied in a black ribbon. He deftly undid the binding and scanned the note quickly, but as he read tears formed in his blue eyes for whatever it was that was so horrific that had made his sister do this to herself.

"I'll kill Rabadash myself if she dies!" Peter shouted as he retried to resuscitate Susan.

Now, Susan was alive and staring up at him, still pale as death with a bandaged wrist, but not on the wrong side of death and Peter had a chance to catch his breath and calm down. Stroking her hand soothingly, he asked the crucial question, "Su, please tell me what happened?"


	4. Promises of Protection

**Chapter IV : Promises of Protection **

It took a long time for the Narnian queen to tell the king about the events that had transpired in Tashbaan. Peter held her and stroked her hair while she cried during her tragic story; he redressed her wound and let her cling to him when she needed to feel him with her. They had always been closely knit even when they were at odds the older Pevensie siblings were inseparable.

Peter had reread her suicide note with baited breath as he took in every word and was plagued by some parts of the letter, "Susan," Peter began hesitantly, "why do you think you're the least brave of all of us?"

Susan looked at him surprised by his question, "Because I simply am, Peter." She retreated back to the headboard, trying to get away from him and his interrogation, but he would not let her have an easy time of it now, not after what he had been forced to come home to.

"Susan, I don't know how you can possibly think that. Out of all of us, it strikes me that you've always been the most courageous. You aren't always the first to believe but you follow anyway. Some of the places we've followed Edmund and Lucy to have been downright dangerous and often one or more of us nearly hasn't made it back, yet Susan makes sure she's there through thick and thin in case something goes wrong and she's needed."

Susan smiled lightly at his speech, not really believing his words, but just feeling comforted in the words that betrayed his high opinion of her. In a time when she had nothing good to say or think about herself, just the knowledge that Peter still respected her meant everything to her.

"Peter, I still can't bear for our people to know about all this yet so can we please keep it in the family or as close to that as possible?" Susan asked shyly.

Peter saw the shame in her eyes but knew how to remedy it and drew her back close to him in a trice, "Of course, Su, whatever you need. And by the way, what you said about you 'tainting our happiness', don't ever think that you could, _ever_! I, we love you and the thought of losing you is unbearable." Susan wept profusely as her brother spoke, but he continued, "I am going to make the Calormens pay for this and you won't ever have to have any more suitors unless _you_ want them. I failed you, Su, and I'm so sorry. I should never have let Edmund take you to Tashbaan and now that mistake has done this to you and we could have lost you and it would have all been my fault."

Susan withdrew and looked her brother directly in the eyes, searching for his wound in this sordid matter, so she could fix it, "Peter, I…" she had no words to pacify her brother, "I don't blame _you_ at all! I need you, you keep me safe, you always have and the only place I now feel at ease and unafraid is when I'm with you. Not even Edmund makes me feel thus, only you."

Peter stroked her cheek, wiping away the remains of the tears, "Susan, I'm going to send a bird to Anvard and tell the others to stay there for a while and deal with _him_ and ask King Lune if he'll permit our brother and sister to stay there until I summon them back to Cair Paravel, that should give me all the time I need to help you get better."

Susan confessed to herself that she was glad he had suggested the others spending time away from her and her away from them, for Edmund had the air of one who wanted to help as much as and more than Peter but simply wasn't adept at it and Lucy was simply too young to possibly conceive what anything so awful might entail for her. She had one more request to make of her brother, one to which she wasn't at all sure how he would respond.

"Peter, will you stay with me tonight?" She asked meekly.

He looked surprised at her, but held her hand and acquiesced, "Whatever you need you shall have and however I can protect you, be it from people, or nightmares, or loneliness, I will."

Susan just smiled at him, needing no words to communicate her immense gratitude to her brother. She curled up and fell asleep against his strong chest and held in his arms which kept her demons at bay.

Peter did not sleep for a long while after the Gentle Queen's eyes closed. He could not imagine ever falling soundly asleep having learnt what had befallen his sister in Tashbaan. Ever since the four Pevensie children had been put on that train to Wales, Peter had been told and expected to safeguard his family and he had _always_ managed to do that in the end, but this time, he could not find the answer to Susan's affliction. Aslan had made him High King for a reason because he could protect the others and the kingdom, but he was lost.

He glanced down at his sister's beautiful brown hair as it fell across his chest and shoulder and knew how badly she had been hurt and just how far her sorrow and pain had pushed her, pushed her nearly to her death. As he thought about what Rabadash had exacted on her body, Peter's eyes grew wet with tears for her and anger. He stroked her hair softly so as not to wake her, but to soothe his own need to show her the warmth and comfort of his brotherly love.

"I'm sorry, Susan, I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you, but I'm here now," Peter wiped a tear from his cheek, "and _nothing_ will ever harm you again not as long as I draw breath!" Peter's oath resounded around Susan's room, but the sleeping woman did not wake from her first deep, pleasant sleep.

The words Peter did hear though, as his own words penetrated her subconscious shocked him to his core – as if he hadn't been overwhelmed enough on this night – but the gesture that accompanied them confused him even further as Susan whispered while planting a chaste but firm kiss on him, "Peter…I…love…you."


	5. Unexpected Words

**Chapter V : Unexpected Words **

Peter heard the words that fell so willingly from his sister's lips, but could not comprehend them. His sister had just experienced the most horrific ordeal and had had trouble being in the company of men, who weren't her blood but then she had just professed some warped kind of love for him…while she was asleep in his arms!

Peter had remained awake and pondered her words until the sunlight spilled into Susan's vast rooms. The sunlight always called him to his work for Narnia but on this day, he did not wish to part with Susan, when she might be afraid should she wake without his company.

"Oh, Susan, you always make my life trickier than it needs to be," Peter chuckled softly, "but Aslan knows I love you for it."

Peter rose from her bed, gently removing her from him and laying her serenely back on her pillow and went to the wooden door of her bedroom and spoke to the guard posted outside, "Go and fetch Tumnus here, please."

"Yes, my king," the guard hurried off in search of the faun.

Peter heard a panicked shriek coming from the bed and when he turned round Susan was tossing around and hitting out at an unknown figure.

"No, no, not again! Rabadash, let me go! GET OFF ME!"

Peter ran back to the bedstead and fell onto the cover in an effort to reclaim the writhing body of his sister, "Susan! Susan, hush now, nothing's wrong, it's all right, Rabadash isn't here, it's only me! Susan!"

Susan was still trapped in her nightmare and did not hear the High King's voice above the sounds of her own pleas for mercy and Rabadash's wicked grunts of pleasure. Only when she heard her brother's voice erupt into a pained cry could she escape from her dream.

"Susan! You punched me in the face!" Peter shouted.

As Susan's eyes shot open to the vision of her outraged brother clutching his cheek, tears flowed down her own cheeks into her lap, "Oh, Peter, I'm sorry, I thought you were," the queen hesitated, "never mind."

Peter flinched as he understood what she had been about to say, "You thought I was…Rabadash?" The hurt in his voice stabbed out through every word and into Susan's heart. He knew he was hurting her as he asked her what he already knew, but the wall that had just been built between them had to be demolished.

Susan threw herself back down onto her bed and wept in her shame for what she had just supposed of her brother, whom she needed so badly and loved so much, more than anyone else. The few hours of sleep that she had got whilst in Peter's arms had been a welcome, needed reprieve for the tormented queen, but she had felt him leave her on her own to stand up to the demons that plagued her sleep and she never would conquer them by herself. Peter's strength was what she craved to help her defeat her nightmare and the memories of Rabadash.

Meanwhile, Peter could only stand and watch as his sister cried into her pillow and battled with her soul and dreams utterly alone. His heart tore and bled for her in her deep misery and debilitating solitude. He knew that for her to never perceive him to be Rabadash or anyone else that hurt her, he would have to let her feel the loneliness without him before he returned to her side, never to leave her again. For he now knew that he did love her and only he had the power to help Susan and the only man whom she would ever be able to give her true love to would be him.

While Susan wept and battled for her soul against…well, herself. Mr. Tumnus answered the king's call and arrived in Queen Susan's rooms to begin the king's day of Narnian business. Wanting to divert the palace staff's attention from the distressed monarch, the High King conducted his business in the queen's study and locked her in her bedchamber.

Once he had completed a couple of hours of work and endless chatter to base courtiers, Peter dismissed his attendants and went to unlock the door to his sister's room. When he strode in, heading straight for the bed, he found Susan lying asleep atop the covers, serene and utterly beautiful in her sleep, but as soon as Peter's presence was felt, she sat bolt upright and screamed herself awake.

Peter broke into a run, "Su!" he reached the bed and took her straight away into his strong arms, "What happened? It's all right, darling sister, you just had a bad dream, nothing's wrong. It's just you and me, here in this room, nobody else, you're safe."

The Queen felt her brother engulf her with his love and comfort, returning her to the real world, whereas her dreamscape was full of horrors and excruciating memories that she knew would never let her be. In a terrified voice, she whispered, "Peter? He came back. Rabadash, he was here…in Narnia," Susan pulled out of Peter's embrace and looked straight into his handsome blue eyes, "he killed you."

"Hush now that will never happen, Su."

"Until _that monster_ dies, the possibility of him invading our land to take me and so killing you is likely."

The desperation and resignation permeating Susan's soft voice shattered Peter's heart into a million pieces. He could not bear for her not to feel completely secure in her own home, with him as her eternal protector. The sympathy and guilt he felt for the Queen – he knew – would never leave him, just as her memories would never be washed from her. Now, her words also niggled at the back of his mind, as he could not be sure whether her words had been spoken in desperation for some love to reach her or in true love of him. Peter knew he had seen his sister in that light while they were growing into adulthood in Narnia, not as a brother, but as a man does a woman. Then, the emotions that had visited him fleetingly had utterly paralysed him in horror, but as both of the eldest Pevensies matured and grew more alike in character, but at the same time, less so, again Peter had borne those same feelings which he had earlier suppressed and fought but having spent most of his life in Narnia with Susan by his side, the potential of such a union did not repulse him as it once did. She, however, had never (until this day) intimated that she had developed the same kind of feelings, so the High King remained only her brother, but now there was the possibility of them realising their full capacity to love each other as sovereigns of Narnia.

In the moment where he knew he had no option but to coax her true emotions from her, Peter decided to throw all caution to the wind and cupped his sister's lovely face in his hands firmly and drew it to his own height. For a small moment, his sister looked afraid of him and what he was about to say to her, not expecting what her brother was intending to do and wary, but before she could say his name to enquire, her lips were assaulted by his powerful, desirous lips.

Susan's shock was immense. She was kissing her brother…_her brother_, the man who had promised everyone that he would safeguard her from any who threatened her. Oddly, she did not experience any of the terror and despair that she had felt when Rabadash had kissed her. She felt entirely loved and desired by a man, who was not holding her down and tearing her robes from her. Her brother had not sought her permission or her approval, but he was giving her plenty of opportunities to stop his amorous advances, but that was not the desire of the Gentle Queen.


End file.
